Who would have ever thought that a shopping cart race through our fair city of Cincinnati could teach me life lessons that I will remember forever...
#1. If something seems like a good idea at the time, it’s probably better left in that exact moment.
#2. Parking meters do not move out of the way for humans or humans attached to grocery carts. This is important to remember.
#3. Stretch. You should always stretch. Before doing anything, even mundane tasks, like doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, you should do 10-15 minutes of calisthenics.
#4. If you can’t run five miles, don’t enter into a five mile race. Seems logical, doesn’t it? But it’s a lesson I won’t soon forget.
#5. If you are going to attempt to run five miles when you clearly know you can’t, don’t plan on doing anything…anything at all…for the next several days. This is in conjunction with Rule #6.
#6. If you are going to do something beyond your current physical capabilities, make sure everything else is done in advance. For example, clean the house, vacuum, do laundry, water the plants, wash your car, get your morning coffee ready, replace all the light bulbs, install an elevator in your house, have a wheelchair ready, stock up on food, water and muscle relaxers, have your dinners premade and install handles next to the toilet.
#7. Wear loose clothing. I’m never wearing overalls that are too short in the torso ever again.
#8. The long, steep stairs that go up to The Rookwood in Mt. Adams are not your friend. See Rule #1.
#9. Maple syrup is really, really sticky.
#10. Bruises take time to appear and even longer to go away.
#11. Malt liquor and energy drink, while tasty, is not necessarily the best hydration prior to a race. See Rule #1 again.
#12. Sidewalk curbs + grocery cart wheels + ankles = shocking pain.
#13. Most people, if given the opportunity to do so without getting busted, will cheat. Like the team that got a lift up to The Rookwood in Mt. Adams from their friend in a school bus yellow SUV. Seems fitting, since cheaters belong on a little yellow bus…
#14. I will not participate in any sport that cannot be done with a beer in one hand. Unfortunately, I won’t be participating in anything except hot baths, lying flat and physical therapy for the next month.
#15. Once is an experience, twice is a perversion.